He tends his flock like a shepherd: He gathers the lambs in his arms and carries them close to his heart;
he gently leads those that have young
. {Isaiah 40:11}

23 July 2010

My Worst Fears

As any parent or spouse can attest, a regular {sometimes constant, sometimes nagging} concern is the fear of losing a child and/or spouse. It is a universal feeling and requires lots of "letting go and letting God" otherwise it can be consuming. Well, for the first time, I had a new and horrifying feeling/experience. Rather than envisioning CJ falling down the stairs, Miss Mak suffocating in her crib or Sweet Hubs getting into a car wreck... it was ME that was breathing my final breaths! This is something I was never warned about or prepared for. My mother never sat me down to tell me the "need-to-knows" of motherhood and my friends who had experienced this never gave me a heads-up about the angst of this experience. In trying to discover why I was never warned about such a thing, I came to discover that most woman feel as if they alone experienced this and that telling others would make them seem crazy. Well, crazy or not, I'm here to tell you...

This can happen! This is normal! This is terrifying!
I assume, as in all things, everyone's experience is different. For me, I was at home on the weekend and was playing with Miss Mak while Hubs was working out in the garden and CJ was sleeping. Out of no-where I felt as though I was physically taking my last breaths. That each single gulp of air I swallowed was one closer to my last. I thought of how I simply cannot die now because my kids are too young and when they grow older they won't remember me. I started to panic and think maybe this was the Lord preparing me so I ought to enjoy every single second I had, and at that time I was literally thinking minutes or even seconds. {I realize, at this moment, that most of the realizations I had that day were/are true but to face them head-on was bewildering!} I went out to the yard to tell Hubby that I was having strange morbid thoughts and that I wanted him to be prepared just in case. {I guess I now understand why people are afraid that telling others will make them seem crazy!} While giving him more details I started to tear up and didn't want Hubs to see me cry so I carried Miss Mak back into the house and stared at her for a while just in case it was my last chance to see her. Hubs, after questioning my mental stability, came in to check on me and saw me crying over Mak so he took her and started asking questions, trying to understand where this all came from. As we talked, I watched him play with Mak and felt as if I was on the outside looking in. I actually thought "This is what they'll look like when I'm not around. I hope he can find happiness without me. I know he'll take wonderful care of the kids without me." {Yeah, awful, I know!} None-the-less, I made it through that night and many nights after but that experience has lived with me. I don't think it was a call to feel as though every day is my last because there is no way one could live a sane life carrying around that kind of burden day in and day out! I believe it was a reminder that our moments are precious, don't sit on the computer all day when you could play with your kids. Don't watch TV when you could talk to your husband. Don't skip out on spending time with your friends because it's too much work to get out of the house. Do make sure your salvation is secure, don't put it off until tomorrow.

If you haven't experienced this and have no idea what I'm talking about, just write me off as a "nut-job" and come back soon for a good recipe or craft idea. If you have experienced this,
YOU ARE NOT CRAZY and you're not alone. My mom had the same feelings too and said she figures it comes from realizing the weight of the responsibility you now face with a husband and/or kids. Before all of this, it was just you. You could do crazy things like jump out of planes and max out your speedometer. Now your life and your decisions affect others. You, my friend, are normal :)

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