Things I Thought on the Way to the ER

Yesterday morning, The Bean woke me up to eat around 1. I noticed she was a bit stuffy but nothing crazy. Miss Mak had boogies that was attributed to the minor acid reflux she had as a tiny one so I didn't think much of it. Until...
4:00 a.m. I woke to her cry and when I picked her up she felt hot. The A/C was running in our room and she had a microfiber blanket over her so I knew she could be just warm to the touch but a thermometer confirmed that my six week old was running a low grade fever of 100.4.

As always, I immediately flipped on our light and pulled out my personal medical reference guide "How to Raise  a Healthy Child in Spite of Your Doctor" by Dr. Robert Mendelsohn where I remembered reading that

"if your child is less than two months of age, and his temperature exceeds 100 degrees, call your doctor. The fever may be a symptom of an infection that is prenatal in origin or related to the delivery of the baby. Fevers in newborn infants are so uncommon that simple prudence and your peace of mind make a visit to the doctor worthwhile, even though it may prove to be unnecessary." 

Wait! The Robert S. Mendelsohn, M.D., who says that fevers in kids over the 2 month mark can reach 106 before you need to put a call in to the doctor, says that our Bean, with her 100.4 temperature, should cause some action. You bet I began to get nervous. So I called the pediatrician who said it was reason to worry and to head to the hospital, woke Hubs to tell him I was taking her, got dressed in the nearest sweats, headed to the bathroom to brush my hair, and had the beginnings of a meltdown as I looked in the mirror and thought of the millions of things that could be wrong with our little love and concluded that they would all result in death. 

Ask anyone who knows me well, I'm not a nervous person. I tend to keep my cool in high pressure situations. Not this time.

Thankfully, Hubs and I made an agreement years ago that only one of us was allowed to panic at a time. When he has a rough time with something, it's my job to remain calm, be rational, and get the job done. This was a day he needed to take care of me.

I'm not sure why it didn't occur to me sooner, and I'm not sure what it says of my feelings of obligation as a mother, but I concluded that I needed Hubs to go to the hospital with me. I couldn't go into that kind of uncertainty alone. So we called my sister-in-law and she came and stayed with Mak and CJ while we headed to the hospital.

That 30 minute drive gave me plenty of time to think. 

Not necessarily a good thing. Not necessarily a bad thing.

Here's a little of my inner monologue...

- God is in control and knows exactly where we are and what's going on with Bean. 

- He knows, and even planned, the outcome of all this. 

- The nearby children's hospital is the best around. 

- CJ has a cold. Maybe it's that. 

- CJ is never playing near Caden again. 

- Caden Joy is not mine. She is a gift. She is on loan. God can give and take away and still be good. 

- It's time to put my money where my mouth is. I often tell people who are struggling that God knows my situation and has the  best in store for me. Now I have to apply it to my own worry. 

- Does this mean cancelling vacation?
- What is the Lord trying to teach me right now.
- I wish I was driving this car.
- I don't know if I remember how to get to the hospital.
- Is she still breathing back there?
- Was that a hiccup or did she spit-up? Or throw up? What does that mean?
- Her diaper smelt like garlic yesterday. Does that mean something?
- I ate those cookies yesterday which means she got it when I nursed her. Did that do it?
- Did I just overdress her?
- I need to get that blanket off her now. I'm probably making her too hot.
- Lord, please don't take her from me.
- She's so small. So frail. So helpless.

- I now have a better appreciation of what perfection is because I now understand some of the imperfections of the human body.
- Stupid Adam and Eve!
- I love my family of five...

and on and on and on...

I realized that though my kiddos may drive me bonkers sometimes and I may contemplate selling them to the gypsies, if you threaten my babies in any way, you will lose and if there is any serious threat to their health, I will fear the worst, no matter how irrationally, and may just fall apart a little.